The monster master of Fear - July 2019

"Move, but not in the way fear makes you move" - Rumi

After several months of intensive inner work, that is, therapy, guided conversations, breathwork practices, and deep meditations; I am more sharply aware than ever of my emotions and their impact on my body and my life. The other day speaking with a friend that expression "letting your emotions guide you" came up, and we spoke about the pros and cons of leading our lives this way. There is a rather romantic notion that letting your emotions guide can afford greater freedom, making it possible to live things more intensely, less controlled. It seems that it could even be perceived as a more natural way of living, that is less forced. With my innate tendency towards romanticism, I think that for most of my life I have been in favor of this romantic way of living, following my emotions, and living free as the wind... I find it funny to read these words now because I can see so clearly that all along I've been confusing/mixing emotions with intuition. From my current perspective it is very clear that emotions are by no means our best guides, especially not fear. There is of course an instinctive fear, which arises in situations where our lives are in danger, this is natural and healthy. But the fear that hides subtly behind everything and which pulls us away from love, that one is not.

If we are to look at all emotions: fear, anxiety, sadness, joy, jealousy, envy, pride, happiness, rage, love, tranquility... I have understood that they can all be reduced to two basic emotions, and these are love and fear. We continuously vibrate between these two basic emotions all the time, and depending on which one we feed with our energy, there will be a direct impact on our decisions and reactions at every level of our lives, and within our bodies. I have spent several weeks facing very deep fears. Apparently as a result of all the inner work I've been doing, everything is now manifesting in my physical world so that I can resolve these issues in this plane. In any case, regardless of the origin, what has happened is that I've been facing challenges in terms of my relationship with my children, touching upon that basic fear all mothers have of possibly losing their young; facing unexpected financial challenges that are shaking the fragile ground I stand upon; and recently a few days ago I discovered something in my body that made me think that perhaps the cancer had returned. In each of these cases I found myself in a state of shock, in some occasions so intense that it has taken my body several days to fully relax again.

And suddenly, I can't help but smile. Because the last time I felt this shock from fear, the love that sustained was so immense, that I was able to walk through that space of deepest discomfort with ease, coming out the other side dancing. And I realize that love can move mountains, and that although looking inside and seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly inside of ourselves is no easy task, the rewards are infinite.

I say thank you to my teachers. We are all one.