My name is Iyari - January 2019

Arte by the Huichol people of Mexico. Iyari means "heart" in their language.

When I decided I wanted to take a new name I never imagined the extent of the transformation the process would involve.

I always liked my given name - Sarah. It sounds beautiful, it looks beautiful, it works in pretty much every language, and moreover I grew up thinking it meant "princess" in Hebrew. It turns out nobody I know that speaks Hebrew knew of this meaning for the name, but I believed it, and that is what matters.

So, this whole new name thing was a giant step, jumping into the unknown of adopting a new "label", without even know what it would be - what if I was given an ugly name? God knows I struggle with ugly things, being as superficial and vain as I can be sometimes. In any case, I felt the calling to do this anyway. Mainly because I felt ready to release all attachments I had to my image of who I am, letting go of my very identity. I was ready to consider the possibility of truly allowing myself to be anything - free from from my old identifications with this or the other. So I did it. I participated in the silence retreat, I wrote the letter requesting a new name, I sat in the front row of the sweatlodge, in front of the hot stones (for the four doors!), and when the time came, I turned over the small rock... and there, written in stone was my new name: Iyari Nanaima - Heartful Resplendent Emptiness. As I go by Iyari mainly I have interpreted the meaning to be Shining Heart. Truth be told I did not fall in love with the name immediately, but I was so happy. Honored for this rite of passage with my adored chosen family, and ready to explore myself with fresh new eyes.

All of this new name business happened in April 2018. Then, in September of that same year, I received a breast cancer diagnosis. Aha. My entire life flipped upside down, shocked, paralyzed, terrified... SHIT. Everything seemed to be going so well, and now... mega obstacle in the road. Damn cancer. Both my grandmother and my aunt died from this. They both had it first in their late thirties, they both had one breast removed (with no reconstruction), and my grandmother had it return in her seventies, and my aunt in her fifties. Not good. Clearly it is now up to me make history in my family, to heal the entire female lineage and carry on with my life, right? Oh God, much easier said than done.

And just like that, all these sweet ideas of becoming a new person have taken on a whole new meaning, and have become more raw, and a lot more real. Letting go of my former "I", now means being totally committed to digging deep, and finding, accepting, loving, transmuting, and transforming all the aspects of my being that allowed cancer to form inside my body. It means carefully dissecting my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions, identifying those that support health, balance, harmony, and love, and those that feed conflict, doubt, chaos, and unbalance. Yep... a marvelous opportunity, and a big kick in the backside. Either I grow, or the cancer grows, it's that simple. Either I dive head first into this journey, and give it my full attention, or I die trying, literally. In fact, I could die anyway. All good, no need to worry.

And so, this is the story of that journey... with all the details that have happened along the way. And the crazy thing is that feels like one of those "choose your own adventure" books, where at the end of each chapter you choose which page you want to go to, and in that way you change the outcome, and like in those books, we have no idea what the result will be. I suppose the good thing is that I am on an adventure. I always admired those explorers that traveled to new lands, and returned with fascinating stories about the places and exotic people they met along the way. I often felt my life was a bit boring, that it was lacking in excitement. Well, we've got excitement now! We'e got spiritual guides and shamans, mediums and seers, we even have healers who channel the powers of the last Aztec emperor. We also have various types of oncologists and surgeons, five star hospitals, major surgery, homeopaths, osteopaths, and integrative cancer treatment consultants. And I warn you, this is but the beginning. So, if you wish to walk with me on this adventure, I invite you to follow my blog. I can promise honesty, transparency, whenever possible humor, and for sure a lot of love.

Update - March 2023: About 2 years ago I decided to go back to introducing myself as Sarah. Long story :-). But suffice it to say that I feel blessed to have so many names/labels that I can be called by, and I also know that I am so much more than my name.