Love will teach you...

Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway." - Sade Andria Zabala

Over this past week I have found myself feeling sad, stuck, unloved, unworthy, incapable of resolving what needed to be resolved, resisting reality, and so many things my “spiritual mind” tells me I’m not supposed to do.

Today I read a quote on Instagram, along with a beautiful image, and it said, “I’m not here to teach you, I’m here to love you. Love will teach you.” And in my arrogance I thought to myself, why yes of course, that is me saying that to those around me. Immediately afterwards my thoughts shifted to, actually I’ve been pushing, pulling, chasing, manipulating, resenting, begging, clinging, blaming, judging, resisting… the people around me, not loving at all.

This led to me to thinking about how very far I am from really just loving, which in turn made me feel like a failure and a farce. Thankfully, in that blissful state between asleep and awake, when spirit is most present, there came a wave of peace. And I saw: in that image I am not the one that is supposed to do the loving, that message is from the universe… I am the receiver, the one who is learning through love. In that moment I understood that it’s ok to be broken.

It’s 6am on a Sunday. As I write on my mattress on the floor, I hear the deep breathing of my children sleeping next to me. I hear the chirp of the birds signing their dawn chorus, and I see the silhouette of the palm trees outside the window as daylight takes over from the night… And I am faced with questions: will I choose to remain hidden under my shield, poking my sword at anyone who dares challenge my so-called balance? Or do I dare to drop my big fat ego and expose myself totally, gaping wounds and all, so that the light and love can shine in? Will I choose to remain entrenched in my ideas of better yesterdays and imagined tomorrows? Or do I have the courage to acknowledge that none of it exists, and to actually live now?

Is it possible for me to truly let go of all my notions of what anything is supposed to be like, and to surrender entirely, to love? Maybe, just maybe I can feel the love that is already within me, and all around.

Does this mean I must stop dreaming of the life I wish to create for myself and my children? Or that I must stop yearning for the romance that makes my heart sing? Absolutely not! It means that I open up to the possibility that I am able to also love the dreaming and the yearning themselves. It means that as I walk along this unexplored path called my life I commit to loving every single aspect of myself… this wild, unpredictable, deeply emotional, sometimes terrible and sometimes fabulous creature that I am.